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The Most Controversial Post EVER!

OT ZWolf April Fool's Day Humor

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#1 Zwolf

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 09:22 PM

(Possibly the only real disclaimer in this whole post: if you don't have a sense of humor, please don't read this post, because it's supposed to be some stupid/funny/silly thing I'm doing to make up for causing turmoil with my previous post.   It's very obnoxious, but is not intended to be hateful (no more so than is funny, anyhow), so please, please, please take it in the spirit in which it's intended or read something else instead.   It'd probably be more of a "Beach" post, but since my offense happened on this forum, I think my making-up-for-it post should be here, too, at least initially).

I figure I'm already in trouble, and they can only hang you once, (although you can be hung enough where it looks like they hung you twice, and that's why they make Enzyte!), so I figured since a lot of people are ticked at me for my last post anyway... why not just go ahead and do somethin' real-real bad?   So, grab yer ankles, kids, because I'm ‘bout to post the MOST CONTROVERSIAL POST EVER!®

Disclaimer: it's not my intention to offend anybody with this post.  It's my intention to offend everybody with this post!   So, if you're not offended, you go to hell!  You go to hell and you die!*1

(*1 other disclaimer: If you're not familiar with the "Mr. Garrison" character from South Park, you might actually be offended by this statement for real, and if so, I apologize, and may the Lord be with the starvin' pygmies down in Africa.*2 )

(*2 second disclaimer for the previous disclaimer: if you're not familiar with "Larry The Cable Guy," you just missed another joke and probably need to watch a lot more television.  Except for Lifetime or the Hallmark Channel, because those are terrible channels.  The only thing a Hallmark Channel movie is good for is a drinking game, where you take a shot everytime somebody says anything about a "heart."  You'll be sloshed before the first "Scrapbooking Ideas" commercial comes on.   If you don't watch enough TV, you may not have sufficiently developed a sense of humor, and may be reduced to a puddle of smoking protoplasm before the end of this post.   In which case, you should probably keep reading, anyway, because, face it - we're all going to die one day, anyway, but how many of us are going to be reduced to a puddle of smoking protoplasm?  Do you have any idea how cool a story that would be for your relatives to tell?   Be courteous - think of poor cousin Hooter who never gets a date.   Do you want him to die a virgin?!  I mean, the poor guy... if you put all the girls he's kissed end-to-end, you'd break her spine!  If you're too selfish to sacrifice yourself on his behalf, you go to hell!  You go to hell and you die!*3)

(*3 see disclaimer *1)

Wow... I think I just made a mobius strip with that.  You, the reader, are getting your money's worth, and I haven't even broke my foot off in anybody's ass yet!

Anyway, on with the controversy:

WARNING: the following will be really controversial.  It hasn't even been okayed by anybody.  Persons of weak constitutions should not read this.  Persons of strong constitutions probably shouldn't read it, either - get away from the computer, already, get out and get some sunshine!  Do something healthy!  Persons whose only interest in the Constitution is the second amendment probably shouldn't read it, either, because although I have a burning desire to offend everyone, it's nothing I want to get shot about.  Persons who don't like the first amendment shouldn't read it, either, because I plan on using free speech.  Besides, I'm a fan of the second amendment, also, so I might shoot ya if you give me any trouble.  I'm taking this place hostage!   (for one post only, perhaps, but damnit, I'll hold this ground... until some mod moves it over to The Beach or something).

I want you to imagine a really, really cute puppy.  Possibly a dachshund, because, face it, they're really cute when they're puppies.  Now... if I get any problems because of this post... that imaginary puppy gets it!  

Pregnant women should not read this post.  Women who want to get pregnant shouldn't read this post, either, because despite what you may have been led to believe, reading what silly people say on the internet is not where babies come from.  

Anyway, back to our regularly-scheduled warning:   This post shouldn't be read by anyone who worries about partisan comments.  You've been given fair warning, so I don't wanna hear a lot of crying if you're offended by the political tone of what I'm going to say.  I'll stop this car right now, mister!   I'll wear you out!  I'll spank your fanny  until it looks like two Japanese flags!  Banzai! *4

(*4 I think making silly threats is hilarious.  If you don't, leave the thread, or I'll carbonate your urine and make you do jumping jacks until you fizz yourself to death!   I will hit you in the solar plexus!  But if I can't find a spaceship to fly us there, I'll just hit you right here in the living room!   Then I'll get you in a half-nelson, or, if it's within the budget, a full-nelson!)

I haven't worked out the official rules for controversial posts in the AQG forum, because... ummm, no offense, but all those endless policy discussions take a long time.  So, for the sake of expediency, I'm going to use the powers vested in me by the state of Flugenhagen*4 1/2 to institute my own ironclad ...

(*4 ˝ - I have personally seceded my house and property from the union and established the independent city-state of Flugenhagen!  Hail Flugenhagen!  I would have you all salute our flag, but we don't have one yet, because we want a round flag and haven't quite worked out what the design for the flagpole would look like.)

RULES FOR CONTROVERSIAL POSTS:

There will be no pictures in this post.  But if there were, I am assured that it's okay to post pictures, as long as there's no commentary with them.   For instance, I can post this picture:

Posted Image

as long as I don't make any terrible, uncalled-for*5 jokes about how it "looks like somebody got a visit from that Jeff Gannon feller" in relation to them. No matter how funny and/or tasteless that would be!

(*5 Jokes which are uncalled for after 30 days become the property of ExIsle.)

Also, anything can be said in a controversial post, as long as it's clear that it's just one person's opinion.  For instance, if you say to me, "I don't want you to lick my face!  Stop it!"  I can counter with, "Well, that is your opinion."  And then everything's cool.   SLURP!

And it can be considered a "bias" if something terribly offensive is said about one political party, unless something offensive is said about the rival political party.  For instance, I can't say "You know what's really going to be a moral dilemma for Republicans?  If they ever discover a big oil deposit right under Ronald Reagan's grave!"  unless I also say something like, "It's too bad that John Kerry didn't get to be president, because the crags in his face would have made a handy place for Ted Kennedy to open all his beer bottles."

See?  Now everybody's happy, because everybody's horribly ticked off!  We are united in our disgust!  Except me, because I'm like the object of it, but, hey, sometimes you gotta take one for the team.

Furthermore, personal insults will not be tolerated.   I cannot call any poster here an a-hole, for instance.  I just have to assume they borrowed that shirt from one.  And personal insults are not allowed.  Even if somebody's so ugly that everybody in their neighborhood would walk when they were playing kiss-chase, you can't say that to them.  Even if everybody else stands on a pair of threes while playing strip poker with them just so they wouldn't have to take anything off, you still can't mention it.  Even if somebody's so dumb they couldn't find a hole in a ladder, it's a no-no to bring it up.  In fact, it's a criminal offense to even admit that you read this paragraph.  Hand over your fingerprints and turn yourself in to the local gendarmes for spankage, miscreant!  

Also, if a post at first seems controversial, you have to base your assessment of said post on what's actually written in it.  Assuming the post is controversial just because it comes from a certain poster with a history of controversy is not enough criteria to judge the post as controversial.   Just ‘cuz a feller's sittin' on a riverbank with his pole in his hand don't mean he's fishin'!

Furthermore, despite that thing I said earlier about having to make a joke about both sides of the issue, making jokes about Democrats is not allowed.  We have a liberal bias to maintain here!  Without that, some people's entire shtick would crumble.  So, don't you be dissin' my demographic... no matter how much  Michael Moore may tempt you.

Third (fourth? Fifth?  Were we counting?), encouraging people is not allowed.

Ridiculing widely-accepted customs and conventions is not allowed.  So, I'll see ya'll in a week or so, after the ban wears off.

Before posting anything, remember the old Hungarian proverb: "Before making any important decision, have a long discussion with a chicken."   Hungarians are a bunch of damn weirdoes, if you want the truth. *6

(*6 disclaimer 6: I can make jokes about Hungarians because I'm half-Hungarian.  If you make jokes about Hungarians, however, you'll be a bigot! And a (insert your race or nationality here) bigot, too, and those are the worst kind!.   Anyway, that's not an actual Hungarian proverb, anyway, it's just something I made up ‘cuz I'm an idiot. *7)

(*7 disclaimer 7:  I can make jokes about idiots because I am one.  If you make jokes about idiots, though, then you're a bigot! Unless, of course, you're an idiot, too.  In which case, let's get together and poke firecrackers up our noses when the post's over.   Gleep!)

(It just occurred to me that jokes about bigots are kind of redundant, because bigots are jokes.  And redundancy is not allowed!  I repeat: redundancy is not allowed!)

Another rule is, if you don't have a sense of humor, you're not allowed to read posts like this.  I know, three pages into it is a helluva time to tell you that, but the mere fact that I'm posting stuff like this when I'm already in trouble proves that foresight's not exactly my strong suit, anyway.

If I haven't offended you so far, I apologize.   I hate leaving anybody out.

Anyway, I could keep giving disclaimers and warnings all night but I think I already have, and this is a political forum after all, so here it is, finally, what you've all wasted upwards of fifteen minutes of your life trying to get to... THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL POST EVER:

Ready?  

Are you sure?

Here it is:





I don't know about you, but I don't much care for that George W. Bush fella.

Cheers,

Zwolf




P.S. - Happy April Fool's Day a day late...
"I've moved on and I'm feeling fine
And I'll feel even better
When your life has nothing to do with mine."
-Pittbull, "No Love Lost"

"There are things that I'd like to say
But I'm never talking to you again
There's things I'd like to phrase some way
But I'm never talking to you again

I'm never talking to you again
I'm never talking to you
I'm tired of wasting all my time
Trying to talk to you

I'd put you down where you belong
But I'm never talking to you again
I'd show you everywhere you're wrong
But I'm never talking to you again

I'm never talking to you again
I'm never talking to you
I'm tired of wasting all my time
Trying to talk to you

I'm never talking to you again
I'm never talking to you
I'm tired of wasting all my time
Trying to talk to you."
- Husker Du, "Never Talking To You Again"

#2 Josh

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 09:30 PM

I have to congratulate you, sir. That was quite funny. ;)
"THE UNICORNS ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH!" - John Burke.

#3 eryn

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 09:32 PM

*snicker* I like. ;)
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#4 Anastashia

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 09:42 PM

I think this might be funny Zwolf but I'm afraid to read it.
The Science Fiction Examiner

In the quiet of Midden a young child grows.
Does the salvation of his people grow with him?
"Everything we do now is for the child"

"I made a mistake,
just follow along,
isn't that what tyranny is all about?"
Sheila M---my Praise Band Director

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
Testify to Love

Posted Image


#5 Lyric of Delphi

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    A little too much LDS

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 09:51 PM

Zwolf...you rock my socks. :lol:

#6 Nonny

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 10:03 PM

*snerk*

Apology accepted.  ;)

Nonny
Posted Image


The once and future Nonny

"Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world." Can anyone tell me who I am quoting?  I found this with no attribution.

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Stupid is stupid, this I believe. And ignorance is the worst kind of stupid, since ignorance is a choice.  Suzanne Brockmann

All things must be examined, debated, investigated without exception and without regard for anyone's feelings. Diderot

#7 Kevin Street

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 10:05 PM

:oh:

  ;)
Per aspera ad astra

#8 Eskaminzim

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 10:19 PM

Excuse me, but as a native of the planet GLEEP, I must state that I am horribly offended by your post.  Shoving firecrackers up our noses is a sacred religious rite (as opposed to the religious right, dontchaknow) reserved only for High Holy Days like when we remove the tubes from Its Holiness, the Great and Terrible Ozzentria and let her zap around the stratosphere like a balloon when you take your fingers off the blowing part.

Furthermore, IDIOTs (Idols Doing *It* Over Time), which make up over seven quarters of our population, are not allowed to shove firecrackers up their noses at all, since without any nostrils, that would be pretty tough to do.

Perhaps next time you'd do better to think about us poor GLEEPites before sluring us in such a manner.

#9 Josh

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 10:20 PM

^

You're a GLEEPIAN? Man, I've always wanted to meet one of you! Tell me... is it true that you have sex with your facial hair?
"THE UNICORNS ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH!" - John Burke.

#10 Eskaminzim

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 10:24 PM

No, Josh.  I'm a GLEEPITE.  The GLEEPIANS are the next planet over.

We're all bald.  And most of us have no nostrils.  As for sex...well....you don't wanna know.

Really.

#11 Josh

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 10:26 PM

Yeah, I do! :p

I guess this means that the GLEEPISTS are in the next planet after the next planet... and perhaps the next planet after that too. ;)
"THE UNICORNS ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH!" - John Burke.

#12 Zwolf

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 10:35 PM

Quote

Josh sez: I have to congratulate you, sir. That was quite funny.

******* Thank ya!  But I bet you're only saying that ‘cuz I have an imaginary dachshund-puppy hostage.  They're cute when they're puppies.  It's only when they grow up that they become horrific beasts that make me afraid to leave my house... :)

Quote

Eryn sez: *snicker* I like.

******** Shhhhh!  You shouldn't say that out loud... people will think you've got bad taste! ;)

Quote

Anastasia sez: I think this might be funny Zwolf but I'm afraid to read it.

******** You might be missing something funny... but then again, you might be ducking the loss of fifteen minutes of your life that you'd never get back, so it's hard to say... :)

Quote

Lyric Z D sez: Zwolf...you rock my socks.

********* We don't say "socks" around here... we call them "foot puppets." :)

Quote

Nonny sez:  *snerk*

********* Geshundheit!

Kevin street makes faces that I don't really know how to quote... but, judgin' from that picture of Marv, I bet I'm not the only one who's gonna be hittin' the theaters to see Sin City tomorrow. :) "That's a mighty fine coat you're wearing..."

Quote

Eskablahblah ;) sez:  Excuse me, but as a native of the planet GLEEP, I must state that I am horribly offended by your post. Shoving firecrackers up our noses is a sacred religious rite (as opposed to the religious right, dontchaknow) reserved only for High Holy Days like when we remove the tubes from Its Holiness, the Great and Terrible Ozzentria and let her zap around the stratosphere like a balloon when you take your fingers off the blowing part.

Furthermore, IDIOTs (Idols Doing *It* Over Time), which make up over seven quarters of our population, are not allowed to shove firecrackers up their noses at all, since without any nostrils, that would be pretty tough to do.

Perhaps next time you'd do better to think about us poor GLEEPites before sluring us in such a manner.

********* Hey, some of my best friends are Gleepites!  For instance, my friend, Ron McDonald.  (His parents didn't own a TV and had no knowledge of pop culture at all.  It was very tragic.  Nearly as tragic as the case of my friend Joseph Wales who live on the east side of Clintwood, and had no sense of humor.  You might say he was... damned!).  Every Easter I burn several marshmallow Peeps in honor of Ozzentria.  Well, not actually in honor of her, to tell the truth, but just because I like seeing baby chicks on fire and doing it to the real ones is illegal.  I think Peeps are great things, though... they're a good way to train children to pick up baby chicks and put them in their mouth - a practice the importance of which cannot be underestimated.    I am terribly sorry about offending the IDIOTS, however... mostly because I didn't know they took up 7/4ths of the population, and I don't like my odds!   I'd surrender, because I don't know how many idiots it'd take to beat my ass... but I know how many they're gonna use*.  (* I stole that last joke from Ron White, but I figure if people don't know who Larry The Cable Guy is, they won't know about Ron White, either, so I might be able to get away with it).

Cheers,

Zwolf
"I've moved on and I'm feeling fine
And I'll feel even better
When your life has nothing to do with mine."
-Pittbull, "No Love Lost"

"There are things that I'd like to say
But I'm never talking to you again
There's things I'd like to phrase some way
But I'm never talking to you again

I'm never talking to you again
I'm never talking to you
I'm tired of wasting all my time
Trying to talk to you

I'd put you down where you belong
But I'm never talking to you again
I'd show you everywhere you're wrong
But I'm never talking to you again

I'm never talking to you again
I'm never talking to you
I'm tired of wasting all my time
Trying to talk to you

I'm never talking to you again
I'm never talking to you
I'm tired of wasting all my time
Trying to talk to you."
- Husker Du, "Never Talking To You Again"

#13 Pallas

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 10:38 PM

Zwolff...I don't know if I've ever said anything to you before but this deserves a commentary. Yes, yes it really does  and I have to say...this...this just boggles my mind. Of all the things...I can't even begin to describe this! You have got to be....ugh, I can't even say the word. You are...can I even say it? Dare I even say it? You sir, you....














:thumbs-up: TOTALLY ROCK!  :thumbs-up:

*bows*

Kalistria.
We can do noble acts without ruling the earth and sea--Aristotle

#14 Eskaminzim

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 10:47 PM

Actually, no, Josh, that would be the Gleepazoids.  Tsk. You really should read up on your Extraterrestrial ABCs you know.  (Psst.  All of us are in the G section).

Zwolf:

Since you did honor us by burning peeps to aid Ozzentria's passing (she's currently stuck in the Even Greater Ozzentriazonia's lower colon, but we're hoping even more peeps will...er...start up his slippery slope again), we will forgive you this slur against our personages, just this once.

Just make sure to add us to your disclaimers and we won't have to sent the IDIOT BRIGADE after you.

#15 Cardie

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 11:26 PM

As long as the dachsund isn't named George W. Bush, we may be able to let this pass.  Oh, and no feeding of the dachshund to any Gleepatroids--they're six planets to the right and straight on till morning.

Cardie
Nothing succeeds like excess.

#16 Chipper

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    Give it up

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 11:45 PM

Idiot.



;)
"Courtesy is how we got civilized. The blind assertion of rights is what threatens to decivilize us. Everybody's got lots of rights that are set out legally. Responsibilities are not enumerated, for good reason, but they are set into the social fabric. Is it such a sacrifice to not be an a**hole?"

- Jenny Smith on Usenet, via Jid, via Kathy

#17 offworlder

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    pls don't kick offworlders, we can find a place too

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Posted 03 April 2005 - 02:51 AM

*1- ................ Que?

*2-
I think I haven't watched enough humor or South Park telly to get most of that above, so I stopped reading in the middle ..... sink me!!

*3
I'm Scottish .......... and watched Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady ........ both of which of course mean .............. that I can joke about Hungarians! ........ sink me!!

*4
I didn't vote for that Midland fella in D.C. either, but .......... he did make a nice and succinct and honourably brief statement today on the Pope passing .............. which of course means .............. that I can like him for one day .......... whether anyone or everybody likes it or not! Sink me!

:yin-yang:
"(Do you read what they say online?) I check out all these scandalous rumours about me and Elijah Wood having beautiful sex with each other ... (are they true?) About Elijah and me being boyfriend and boyfriend? Absolutely true. We've been together for about nine years. I wooed him. No I just like a lot of stuff - I like that someone says one thing and it becomes fact. It's kind of fun." --Dominic Monaghan in a phone interview with Newsweek while buying DVDs at the store. :D

#18 NeuralClone

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Posted 03 April 2005 - 03:31 AM

:blink:  :lol:
"My sexuality's not the most interesting thing about me."
— Cosima Niehaus, Orphan Black, "Governed By Sound Reason and True Religion"

#19 Godeskian

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Posted 03 April 2005 - 03:59 AM

wow, there was a point a the bottom of it :p

fun post.

Defy Gravity!


The Doctor: The universe is big. It's vast and complicated and ridiculous and sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles... and that's a theory. Nine hundred years and I've never seen one yet, but this will do me.


#20 GiGi

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Posted 03 April 2005 - 05:34 AM

Oh my!  

I have had a nightmarish day in which my iMac needs to be reintialized and my back up drive with my software has died with some files that weren't backup up anywhere and are gone forever (most things I back up three times, but not always)

The point of telling you about my rotten day and the horror of it, was to also say when I read this thread I laughed myself silly!!

Thanks Z, tomorrow I face the nightmare of the loss of important software and personal files, but tonight I go to sleep with a smile on my face.

cheers,
Gigi
"Life is as dear to a mute creature as it is to man. Just as one wants happiness and fears pain, just as one wants to live and not die, so do all creatures." -- HH The Dalai Lama



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