Honestly, not sure how I learned smoke really bothered her. It was long time ago, probably heard her response to a conversation about smoking or something. As for the people who won't say anything...if they don't say anything then how would I know, other then body language, that smoke is bothering them?
My grandfather was a order type....My cousin's wife has commanding tone and words when it comes to smoking...Which turned out bad for her cause when she would say something like "You can't smoke." or "Don't light up" in her commanding voice and attitude...that usually caused me to light up right then and there...especially considering it wasn't her house but my Aunt's. And at the time my Aunt allowed smoking. Different Aunt BTW...LOL. Don't want to confuse you more.
If you said you wouldn't, it was the middle of winter, or it was your house, or what difference did it make with all the third hand smoke would you be offended if he decided that he couldn't come over, and that if you guys were to meet in person and hang out it would have to be either at his own house where no smoking was allowed, or in some neutral non-smoking place? Does that seem like ordering, since he has stated he wouldn't come over without those concessions on your part? Would it make a difference if he or the kid was allergic and/or had asthma?
If ET was a real good offline friend I would have no problem cracking a window...And depending on how good of a friend, I would either smoke outside or at the very least in a different room. Same way I would do if my Aunt or my nieces were over.
Honestly, it really is a case by case thing with me. If someone trys and orders me with "You can't light up" or "Put that out right now"...Well things will go downhill fast from there. If a polite request is made, with respect...I'd have no problem either moving away or if not able to move away, put out for the time being.
I was in a casino awhile ago, playing slots...It was the smoking section...so was within my right to be smoking. A elderly lady sat at the slot next to me, and after a few minutes I noticed her waving her hand in front of her face. She hadn't said anything about the smoke, but my cigarette was in a ashtray between the two machines. So I asked if the smoke was bothering her. She nodded, so I moved the ashtray to other side away from her...And made sure to blow the smoke away from her while I finished the cigarette.
I also watched, out of the corner of my eye, to see if the smoke was still bothering her. It didn't appear to be, and she didn't say anything. Come to think of it, she didn't even say thank you for moving the cigarette either. Who knows, maybe she just didn't like speaking to strangers?
So I am flexible, as long as people are polite and respectful. It's when they get that holier than thou attitude and approach that the problem arises.