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The end of the line for me.


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#1 Captain Jack

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Posted 25 May 2010 - 10:35 PM

There are some things that I don't like to talk about, but this time, I just don't know what to do.

Cars have been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember.  Even when I was in pre-school, I insisted on having my pictures taken in front of blue cars.  Getting my license was a dream come true for me, just like with nearly every teenage boy craving to finally take the family car for a spin and tasting that sweet flavor called independence.  It looks like those days are going to be behind me, I fear.  After 15 years, I'm afraid I won't get a new license.  I have a medical condtion that the folks at the DMV just don't seem to understand.  Every renewal is a battle, and I'm terrified I won't win this time around.  I know most won't give a damn about this, but for those who know me, also know how much cars and driving means to me.  I'm a grown person and I know I shouldn't, but I could help but start drinking today, and I confess, I can't help but cry.  Think of me less if you want, but for me, I feel like my whole lifestyle is crashing down on me.  If I can't drive, I can't continue on my career in real estate.  It's bad enough things have been so slow as it is.  Now I'm faced with this dilemna.  I'm not blind or anything, but their testing methods don't work well for me given my condition, and they have no way of testing me differently given how things are structured in DMV's.

People who know even a little about me know that I do believe in God.  I pray every night.  But you know, it feels like He's forgotten all about me.  It feels like I'm not important on His "to do" list.  It may be a sin saying that, but it's not my intention to insult Him nor am I saying I have no faith in Him.  It just feels like I'm left out.  Everything I have ever done in general has been a struggle.  I know that life isn't easy nor is it fair, but for me, it feels like I seem to get a few extra helpings of "up yours" compared to others.  I can't even sleep anymore.  I'm not getting any business anymore.  I don't have any real life friends anymore.  I don't have jack sh*t going for me.  And now this.  I'm tired of others making me feel like I'm some invalid.  Less than human. Especially when I've already proven over and over again that I AM capable.  But they just don't listen...

Yeah, I know there are a lot of people who have it worse then me.  And my heart goes out for them.  But this means everything to me, and I feel like it might be stripped away from me unfairly.  I'm not an invaild dammit!  Yet I feel like one right now.  Useless, dumb, and cursed to be screwed in everything I do or want in life.  While everyone else moves on to greater levels of success and break through new ground, I'll be stuck in loserville.  Alone, uselss, and forgotten.  It feels like I have no control over anything right now.  My B-day is on the 30th, and I feel like sh*t...anotheer year older and my life still sucks.  Sorry for the rant, had to vent somewhere, and this is car-related, so... :(

#2 M.E.

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Posted 25 May 2010 - 10:45 PM

Quote

I'm not blind or anything, but their testing methods don't work well for me given my condition, and they have no way of testing me differently given how things are structured in DMV's.

Okay, this is just a thought, I don't know if you tried this or not.

What about an independent exam from your own optometrist?

You can get independent physicals for other purposes like worker compensation or life insurance.

Why not for your eyes?

You will probably have to pay for it out of pocket but, sounds to me like it would be worth it to you.

#3 QueenTiye

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Posted 25 May 2010 - 10:53 PM

I'm sorry to hear this, Captain Jack.  I don't have any helpful ideas, but I will pray.

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#4 M.E.

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Posted 25 May 2010 - 11:01 PM

Quote

I know most won't give a damn about this,

I give a damn Captain Jack and I got all night. Come on, please talk to me. :waves:

#5 Captain Jack

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Posted 25 May 2010 - 11:12 PM

View Postmichael elizabeth, on 25 May 2010 - 10:45 PM, said:

Quote

I'm not blind or anything, but their testing methods don't work well for me given my condition, and they have no way of testing me differently given how things are structured in DMV's.

Okay, this is just a thought, I don't know if you tried this or not.

What about an independent exam from your own optometrist?

You can get independent physicals for other purposes like worker compensation or life insurance.

Why not for your eyes?

You will probably have to pay for it out of pocket but, sounds to me like it would be worth it to you.

I've had my own opthemologist since I was little.  He knows me very well.  I got a letter from him to give to the DMV, but the way he wrote it, it doesn't seem like it will be of much help, I don't know.  I talked to him today, and he said he has to be careful what he writes.  He does agree entirely that I am capable without question.  Otherwise he wouldn't write what he gave me to hand to them.  I have no insurance, so I just pay out of my own pocket.  

Lasik won't do much for me because I don't have that kind of condition where reshaping the eye will do much of anything for me.  He said it may help some, maybe.  But that isn't the problem I have.  I feel so screwed.

View PostQueenTiye, on 25 May 2010 - 10:53 PM, said:

I'm sorry to hear this, Captain Jack.  I don't have any helpful ideas, but I will pray.

QT

I sure do appreciate that, QT.  You're always there for others,  bless you for that.

View Postmichael elizabeth, on 25 May 2010 - 11:01 PM, said:

Quote

I know most won't give a damn about this,

I give a damn Captain Jack and I got all night. Come on, please talk to me. :waves:

Thanks.  Don't know what else to say right now other than I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here.
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#6 Lover of Purple

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Posted 26 May 2010 - 02:14 AM

I can fully understand. After my surgery I had to wait (and not drive) for three months to see if I would have another episode. If I would have, I would never have been able to drive. I was raised around cars and they have always been a huge part of who I am. If it had happened I don't know what I would have done. However, I didn't give up and I kept asking my doctor what I could do to help. I lost weight and with the defibilator in my chest pulled through with no episodes since!

I think if I was in your place I might be talking to another doctor just for additional input and ideas. Have another doctpr read the letter maybe and see if he/she thinks it will help you or hurt you.

Just a thought.

To quote the famous line "Never give up, never surrender" and I add...Because we are car guys!!!

I'm praying for you buddy and feel free to PM me anytime. I often feel like you do when I talk to God, but I keep my faith and trust (and believe me over the last few years it has been a real challenge but it has made me stronger and more faithfull). HANG IN THERE!

Your car buddy,

LoP

#7 Raeven

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Posted 26 May 2010 - 02:18 AM

:hugs:

I'll admit I know very little of the US license system, do you have to re-apply every year? If you have managed to get a license for the past 15 years [albeit always with a battle] what will be different this year? has your eyesight deteriorated? have the licensing agency changed their rules or procedures?

I hope you find the will to keep battling Cap'n, I will pray that you do. I can only imagine the pain of losing your license [especially for someone who loves cars as much as do], it would be like losing your freedom.

But please no more drinking, drinking isn't going to help, it'll only make you more depressed in the long run :hugs:


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#8 Captain Jack

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Posted 26 May 2010 - 02:47 AM

View PostRaeven, on 26 May 2010 - 02:18 AM, said:

:hugs:

I'll admit I know very little of the US license system, do you have to re-apply every year? If you have managed to get a license for the past 15 years [albeit always with a battle] what will be different this year? has your eyesight deteriorated? have the licensing agency changed their rules or procedures?

I hope you find the will to keep battling Cap'n, I will pray that you do. I can only imagine the pain of losing your license [especially for someone who loves cars as much as do], it would be like losing your freedom.

But please no more drinking, drinking isn't going to help, it'll only make you more depressed in the long run :hugs:

Depends on which state you live in.  Right now, I wish I lived in Arizona where their licenses can be valid for as long as decades.  But many states (I don't know about all of them) require a renewal of every 4-5 years.

My vision has actually improved a bit.  True, as people get older, vision starts to slip a little.  But I'm a different case, which is difficult to get the DMV to understand.  When I got my license, they had a different kind of viewing machine that you'd look through to test your vision.  At some point, they changed the machines where you have to read the letters on a line that they tell you to.  The letters are small, and when looking through the machine, it affects my stigmatizm to where I can't focus on what I need to read.  It's called Nystigma.  So, I flunk it.  But we don't drive looking down a box with tiny letters, do we?  So it isn't a fair test.  They also have colored dots, and I can make those out in my sleep, but that doesn't count for some reason.

The DMV here considers driving to be a privilage.  But to me, it's also a freedom that I have come to enjoy too much I guess. I can hit a target at 25 yards with regular iron sights, but I can't read stupid tiny letters in a light box. :(

I rarely drink.  I'm not a binger by any means.  But I've been down this road before (ugh, no pun intended) and I've experienced the pain before.   It took a lawyer and nearly 10,000 dollars the last time.  All because the person in charge misread their own form.  Now I'm in a new state, and have to go through this again.  I can't afford another lawyer to help me with this again.  I took their drive test 5 years ago and passed it  It frustrates me that since NOTHING has changed for me in a negative way that they still question everything.  If things got worse, I could understand.  But I'm totally stable, and have even had some slight improvement in one since then.  Nothing huge, and not enough to overcome my nystigma, but it's something.

I just felt the need to have something to drink that was strong.  A few glasses of malibu rum and jose cuervo helped a little.  Hopefully, Dr. Pepper I just finished won't tear me up mixing with all that...
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#9 Palisades

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Posted 26 May 2010 - 09:29 AM

^ If your vision is good enough to pass the vision test, your doctor should just be able to write what your vision is on a card, sign it, and you can give that to the DMV and get out of taking the vision test at the DMV. At least that's how it works where I've lived.

Edited by Palisade, 26 May 2010 - 09:46 AM.

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#10 QueenTiye

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Posted 26 May 2010 - 11:16 AM

You know, Captain Jack, I would call the ACLU in your area.  This sounds like a discrimination suit if ever there was one. You have a disability, one which does not prevent you from driving, and yet one which the DMV test forces you to fail, despite it having no impact on driving.  That's a classic case of discrimination, and federal laws prohibit discrimination.  The law you are protected under is the Americans with Disabilities Act - it stipulates that reasonable accommodations should be made for people with disabilities to allow them to fully function within the society.

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#11 Orpheus

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Posted 26 May 2010 - 11:28 AM

I think you need to see another opthamologist, specifically one specializing in nystagmus (or working closely with a neurologist and maybe an orthoptist). The more familiar s/he is with adult nystagmus, and the better s/he has pinned down your specific cause (which it sounds like your current doc hasn't) the more confident s/he will be in writing a strongly supportive letter. Your lifetime doc is obviously on the older side. Board Certification didn't need to be renewed (except for FPs) until the 2000s, and he'd be grandfathered in, so he may not be up on all the latest.

Nystagmus isn't so uncommon (about 1 in 5K-10K adults, >1 in 700 toddlers), but it's more a descriptive term, than a diagnosis. It doesn't directly describe vison, either (many blind people have it). In pathological forms it can impede vision, but the real issue is how well your brain can interpret the data it receives. (This is notoriously impossible of a patient to assess themselves, because the brain "fills in the gaps" and can't judge how well it does so -- it's programmed not to notice the defects in its own interpretation)

It is, however, often noticeable to bystanders and DMV clerks, which can make it a tough road for you. I would have some concern, if a patient's nystagmus interfered with their performance on the Snell test (eye chart) *with a wall chart* -- and at least in Massachusetts you can request a wall chart screening instead of the "machine".

I know that for NY drivers license *renewal*, there's a form that any "eye care professional" can fill out for you. If you bring that, you can bypass the DMV office test entirely. I've filled it out for NY students to renew their home-state license during a semester in Boston (I'm not sure what the law is on that, but that's between them and their home state. I am competent to certify that they are 20/20 corrected and sign with my specialty)

Be aware, however, that eyeglass prescription is far from the complete picture. Even though optometrists may get a more accurate and repeatable number from the autorefractor, they usually refine that with tests for subjective refraction (that's the "which is better? This .. or this" part of the test) The DMV is (or should be) primarily concerned with questions like "can the driver reliably notice details in the periphery, and direct his/her gaze sufficiently to enable distant acuity in (e.g.) reading a sign". The machine driects you gaze down the axis of a optical assembly. The wall chart better represents your actual vision while driving (but doesn't do as well at the brightly lit machine screen at predicting, e.g. nystagmus, corneal glare, etc. in direct sun, which is sometimes worse than nystagmus in an exam room) Remember: actual safety, not a license, is what's really important

There are medications that have been shown to help nystagmus -- from hoary old standbys like baclofen or gabapentin to stuff that I leave to the specialists. Visual rehab is also sometimes effective  possible (and best begun earlier rather than later) and I understand there's even an operation (but I'd leave that to an opthalmologist to suggest)

You probably don't want to hear all this, but I know you like it when people say it as it is.

#12 Nonny

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Posted 27 May 2010 - 10:11 AM

ADA can help, and since this is workplace related, your chance of getting their help is much greater.  You're right, the test isn't fair, but your doctor is probably limited in the language he can use in his letter (I have experience with this).  Bureaucrats seem to thrive on the automatic denial system, so getting past them to the higher ups seems indicated, and advocacy from the ADA or local disability advocates is the next line of attack.  

Good luck to you.  I hope you get the help you need and the resolution you desire.
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#13 Captain Jack

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Posted 28 May 2010 - 01:49 AM

Well, Friday is the day.  Going to follow Orph's advice and then, find out more from what QT and Nonny said regarding ACLU and ADA.  Thank you all for the support and advice.  I feel kind of dumb ever posting this.  Well, embarassed would be more accurate.  This isn't anything I like to talk about so openly.  Sincerely, though, thanks.  I hope things work out in my favor Friday.  That would make for a nice B-day present for me...
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#14 M.E.

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Posted 28 May 2010 - 09:36 AM

You are in my thoughts all day today Captain.

Please let us know how it went with your new ophthamologist.

:hugs:

#15 Captain Jack

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Posted 30 May 2010 - 03:27 AM

Went to a new opthamologist, and man, was that ever a mistake.  He messed me up royally, and clearly didn't understand anything.  I'd be frightened (and I was) to have him as an eye examiner!  I wouldn't even send my worst enemy to him!  I was mortified, I just never experienced anything so terrifying in my life.  After he got done with me, I could not focus or open my eyes for anything.  The stuff I let him him put in my eyes, I truly regretted allowing him to do.  And this isn't some back alley guy either.  I don't have health insurance, so I paid cash for this.  Never again am I even going to walk down that street that his office is on.  I'm back to normal today, thank God!  He may be a good doctor, I don't know.  I'm just going by my own experience, and this was the worst experience I have ever had with any doctor, evah.  :eek2: :eek2: :eek2: :eek4: :wacko: :crazy:  :eek2:   :eek2:   :eek2:    

Not to mention, I never felt so screwed in a long time.  A feeling I do not wish upon anyone.  I felt so much discomfort, and could not keep my eyes open, I had to be taken home.  Washed my eyes out several times, and just sat with them closed for about an hour.  I've never had this experience before.  I have no idea what that guy was trying to do to me.

It was getting to be late afternoon, and I had to go to the dmv as this is Memorial weekend, and they're closed Saturday and Monday.  I was driven over there, and gave them what I had from my regular doctor that does NOT butcher his patients.  They reviewed my paperwork and history.  Since I scored 98 percent in my first drive test with them, and I have a clean record, along with vision that is acceptable, I got my license renewed.  I felt a lot more relief than joy, honestly.  As long as things stay the same, I'll be fine.  Which is good.  However, it will also be a reminder for me that my time is finite.  I can't help but accept the fact that one day, I'll have to take public transpotation before most people do, and that saddens me.  I only hope I get to keep going for as long as I can and enjoy it as much as I can.

Thank you all for the good thoughts, support, and prayers.

I get so frustrated partly because I see so many other people with better vision drive so poorly or carelessly.  I've been hit by others.  My first car was struck twice when it was parked.  It was rear-ended because the person behind didn't notice it was a red light and everyone was at a stop.  And that really gets me going as (thank God) I have been a good driver with not even a parking ticket.  I'll just leave this right there as I can go on forever with how some people drive.  I'm sure you've seen your fair share of bad drivers and craziness yourselves.

LoP, I do talk to God quite often as well.  My conversations with Him are not always, well, happy.  It seems like a lot of people around me in my personal life are far more blessed than I am.  While others take things for granted and go about their lives pretty much with little challenge, I have to fight tooth and nail to get the simplest of things to go reasonably well for me.  I wonder why I had to be the one to have a condition that is so unique and complex, that a simple Lasik would not be of much service for me.  I admit that I do envy those who go and get those done.  An hour later, they can go about their business with perfect vision.  It just isn't fair.  The same thing goes when looking for work. The good looking, not nearsided guy will be more desirable than someone they might think need "accomadations" (which I don't).  I find that people don't often know when to simply shut up.  I like to read without my glasses.  In fact I do a lot without my glasses, and I do it well.  Yet, to this day I hear "experts" around me (office, public, and even family members) that I should put on my glasses.  EVERY day I am reminded of my greatest weakness.  Every day.  I get no peace from it.  It can be extremely frustating.  So I often find myself asking God why He let this happen to me?  Why He allows a human to be humiliated on a daily basis?  Why I had to be the one?  Why couldn't people like Hitler have this problem instead?  Why me?  I don't bother anyone.

I am sure He had a hand in helping me Friday.  I have no doubts about that.  But I can't help but wish He'd help me just a little bit more.  Is that asking too much?  Just a little help?  We read of healings and miracles of the past, are they all gone now?  Not just for me, but for many.  I know life isn't meant to be fair, but honestly, there seems to be far too much unfairness festering around the world these days.

LoP, QT, Nonny, Orpheus, Raeven, Palisade, and michael elizabeth, thank you all so very, very much.  I can't tell you just how much I appreciate your support and input.   :hugs:
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#16 Orpheus

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Posted 30 May 2010 - 11:06 AM

Unfortunately, as I suggested by PM, a neurologist is often in a better position to manage or treat nystagmus (which is not technically a vision issue, but may impact vision), the DMV probably wants a note from a "vision professional".

Incidentally, though this is not my field, and some people simply react poorly to the eyedrops that paralyze dilation and accommodation, I'd definitely make a point of detailing your reaction to the neurologist (if you see one) It may help him pin down the cause of your nystagmus (Then again, it may not tell him anything he might guess from his own experience and other tests. I can only say it suggests certain possibilities to me)

I suppose that's more a longterm issue for you, though.

#17 Raeven

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Posted 30 May 2010 - 11:11 AM

{{{{{{{{{{{{Cap'n}}}}}}}}} I am so pleased that you got your licence renewed :)


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#18 Nonny

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Posted 30 May 2010 - 11:32 AM

{{{{{{{{{{{Captain Jack}}}}}}}}}}}

Yay, for the renewal!  This would be a good time to get your ducks in order for next time.  Document the dilation reaction, find out exactly what you were given, and what was used in other dilations, and use the information to find out if you have an allergy or sensitivity.  It took me years to discover that I was allergic to epinephrine, not novocaine, and many more to stop dentists and surgeons from trying to "prove" to me that I couldn't be.  And find yourself a good advocate.  A disability should not stop you from doing the things you are able to do.  

It's time to put the "able" back into "disabled"!
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#19 Palisades

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Posted 30 May 2010 - 04:30 PM

Great news, Captain Jack.

Those eye drops the doctor puts in are never fun, but they've never done anything like what you've described to me. Maybe they were different eye drops though.
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#20 Captain Jack

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Posted 30 May 2010 - 04:43 PM

View PostOrpheus, on 30 May 2010 - 11:06 AM, said:

Unfortunately, as I suggested by PM, a neurologist is often in a better position to manage or treat nystagmus (which is not technically a vision issue, but may impact vision), the DMV probably wants a note from a "vision professional".

Incidentally, though this is not my field, and some people simply react poorly to the eyedrops that paralyze dilation and accommodation, I'd definitely make a point of detailing your reaction to the neurologist (if you see one) It may help him pin down the cause of your nystagmus (Then again, it may not tell him anything he might guess from his own experience and other tests. I can only say it suggests certain possibilities to me)

I suppose that's more a longterm issue for you, though.

I plan to.  Although I must admit, I never thought of seeing one until you mentioned it.  So you were of great help to me there.  I am not sure how a neurologist works in terms of nystgamus.  Is nystagmus a reaction to something else going on in me that is from somthing else then?   Now I am definitely curious of this now.  I had no idea.

View PostRaeven, on 30 May 2010 - 11:11 AM, said:

{{{{{{{{{{{{Cap'n}}}}}}}}} I am so pleased that you got your licence renewed :)

Thanks again, Raeven for your support.

View PostNonny, on 30 May 2010 - 11:32 AM, said:

{{{{{{{{{{{Captain Jack}}}}}}}}}}}

Yay, for the renewal!  This would be a good time to get your ducks in order for next time.  Document the dilation reaction, find out exactly what you were given, and what was used in other dilations, and use the information to find out if you have an allergy or sensitivity.  It took me years to discover that I was allergic to epinephrine, not novocaine, and many more to stop dentists and surgeons from trying to "prove" to me that I couldn't be.  And find yourself a good advocate.  A disability should not stop you from doing the things you are able to do.  

It's time to put the "able" back into "disabled"!

I'm sensitive in general, but this time it was real bad.  I don't want to call that guy at all.  I'll contact my personal doctor and find out what he normally gives me as his is far more tolerable.  I'm personally terrified of the doctor I went to see last week.  And I'm definitely looking for a good advocate.  I seem to have on at the dmv, who seemed pleased of my record and told me I should see her for next renewal as she knows me now.  I understand the importance of having good enough vision to operate a vehicle safely.  I have that, it's just proving it that is not easy due to those stupid boxes.  Everyone I've talked to personally seems to agree to that as well.  I wonder if people with dyslexia or some form of reading disorders have to go through things like this?  Personally, the dmv's system is pretty messed up.

On another note, I better hurry my butt up and save for a Mustang now... :D
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