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A Thread for funny stuff we get in emails


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#1 Lover of Purple

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 07:00 PM

Just recieved this:

Quote

Truths For Mature Humans


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary?


7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.  


10. Bad decisions make good stories.


11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just
aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.



12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my
collection...again.


13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes
to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.  


14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

  

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin
with Miller Lite than Kay.


17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.  


18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still
didn't hear or understand a word they said?  


20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting
in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!


21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their
cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet      everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

LoP

#2 M.E.

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 07:03 PM

Thanks for outing me. :blush: :blush:

I have used many of those sayings in avatars and signatures.

#3 M.E.

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 07:10 PM

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

#4 M.E.

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 07:42 PM

When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching
TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice
from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love. . .
chicken, beef, or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a$$hole.
I was talking to the cat."


#5 M.E.

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 07:50 PM

Redneck Country Roads


A "simple man" named Martin Furlong is driving home after downing a few beers at a local pub.

He turns the corner and sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it. He realizes there's another directly in his path.

He discovers his drive home is causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the other trees.

Moments later, he hears a police siren and stops his car.

The officer approaches his car and asks him what on earth he is doing. Martin starts to tell him about all the trees on the road. The officer stops him in mid sentence and says:

"For chrise sakes Martin, that's your air freshener."

#6 M.E.

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 07:52 PM

Quickie In The Bushes

There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when one
day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two
to life.

The angel tells them; "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing
summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes to do
what you've wished to do the most."

He looks her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen
minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you still have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?"

She eagerly says "Oh yes, lets. But this time lets change positions.
I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh!t on it's head!"

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

#7 Lover of Purple

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 08:54 PM

LOL! Those are good. :)

LoP

#8 Captain Jack

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 09:52 PM

View Postmichael elizabeth, on 31 August 2010 - 07:50 PM, said:

Redneck Country Roads


A "simple man" named Martin Furlong is driving home after downing a few beers at a local pub.

He turns the corner and sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it. He realizes there's another directly in his path.

He discovers his drive home is causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the other trees.

Moments later, he hears a police siren and stops his car.

The officer approaches his car and asks him what on earth he is doing. Martin starts to tell him about all the trees on the road. The officer stops him in mid sentence and says:

"For chrise sakes Martin, that's your air freshener."

Don'cha' just hate it when that happens?  :lol:
Posted Image
689 Reasons to Defeat Barack Obama in 2012:

https://www.national...at-barack-obama

#9 Zoxesyr

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 11:18 PM

I delete all of these as spam, and block anyone who sends them to me.  I don't see a reason to repost this crap it's just data pollution, and most of it is older than all of the members of this board.
www.zoxesyrbautie.com

#10 Raeven

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Posted 01 September 2010 - 02:43 AM

View PostZoxesyr, on 31 August 2010 - 11:18 PM, said:

I don't see a reason to repost this crap it's just data pollution, and most of it is older than all of the members of this board.

I have not seen/heard many of these, some raise a smile and that's good enough for me. I don't see it as 're-posting crap' more like sharing something you find amusing with your friends.


It's very complex. If the pizza man truly loves this babysitter, why does he keep slapping her rear? Perhaps she has done something wrong ~ Castiel


#11 Lover of Purple

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Posted 01 September 2010 - 02:43 AM

Well, I get very few so they are new to me, and I enjoy many of them. Feel free to stay out of this thread then, I won't hold it against you. :)

LoP

#12 Captain Jack

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Posted 01 September 2010 - 04:28 AM

I have never seen these before, so it's new to me. :)  Great job, LoP and ME.
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689 Reasons to Defeat Barack Obama in 2012:

https://www.national...at-barack-obama

#13 Mr Dust

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Posted 01 September 2010 - 05:14 AM

Nothing has ever got through my gmail spam filter in the 4 years I've used Gmail for so I don't have the privilege of seeing things like this as it just sits in the spam folder before deleting after 30 days. ATM I have 256 Spam messages in my spam folder. Wow that's ridiculous lol.

((((((gmail)))))

Now I've plugged gmail, great thread :D
[Insert Signature Here]

#14 M.E.

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Posted 01 September 2010 - 08:41 AM

I have gmail too, Mr Dust. I love it. :love:

I receive these emails quite frequently from long time, dear friends that know it will make my day. :sigh:

Since I have only been using the internet for a year now, they are all new to me and I am glad that I have the opportunity to share them with others that like to smile. :laughlong:

I intend to post here often. ;)

#15 D.Rabbit

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Posted 01 September 2010 - 08:57 PM

I send off forwards all the time.
The last one I received, I did not agree with it so I killed it, the one before that, I like it but it's not for everyone, so it was only forwarded to a ex jewish athiest I'm related to.

I think they are wonderful.
The fact that people take the time to send you jokes that make you smile, is great!
Good xyzt to you, = a web greeting that includes all time zones and planets.
-----------------
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#16 M.E.

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Posted 16 September 2010 - 06:20 PM


Paraprosdokian sentences

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.



Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.



I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.



The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.



Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.



We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


War does not determine who is right - only who is left.



Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.



To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.



A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.



How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?



Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.



Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.



A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.



Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".



I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.



I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"



Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?



Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.



The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!



Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.



A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.



Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.



Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.



I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.



Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.



There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.



I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.



I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.



When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.



You're never too old to learn something stupid.



To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.



Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.



Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.



A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.



If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?



Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

#17 Nonny

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Posted 17 September 2010 - 08:26 AM

Such an embarrassment of riches!  What to quote, what to quote?    :think:   A dilemma indeed!    :D

Thanks, LoP and ME!     :boogie:
http://emmaglitch.com/

Posted Image


The once and future Nonny

"One man's vulgarity is another's lyric."  Justice John Marshall Harlan, 1971

"Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world." Can anyone tell me who I am quoting?  I found this with no attribution.  

If the Dems are "job killers" then the GOP are job abortionists.  

Fatal miscarriages are forever.

Stupid is stupid, this I believe. And ignorance is the worst kind of stupid, since ignorance is a choice.  Suzanne Brockmann

Tea Party organizers may want to run away from the facts, but they're not that fast, and the American people are not that slow.  Charles M. Blow

GOP holding up health care, your money or your life.  

All things must be examined, debated, investigated without exception and without regard for anyone's feelings. Diderot

Continue to say nothing if you agree. House

If corporations are people, NBC was my first wife!  P J O'Rourke

#18 Sci-Fi Girl

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Posted 17 September 2010 - 09:59 AM

LOL!   :laughtears:

I have a song with this in the lyrics:

View Postmichael elizabeth, on 16 September 2010 - 06:20 PM, said:

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Songwriters: Phillips, Sam

When I take a picture of the city, it disappears
It's only a photograph, the city is gone
The places I go are never there
The places I go are never there

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
I can only picture the disappearing world
When you touch me

He brought me the air of Paris in a bottle
The record caught the air of London, nineteen sixty-five
The places I go are never there
The places I go are never there

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
I can only picture the disappearing world
When you touch me, when you touch me
When you touch me

Taking Pictures lyrics Eden Bridge Music

SFG :D
"A song is like a picture of a bird in flight; the bird was moving before the picture was taken, and no doubt continued after."   - Pete Seeger

Pete Seeger's life was a picture of an idea in flight, and the idea will continue long after.  As long as there are people with goodness and courage in their hearts, the idea will continue forever.

Posted Image   Posted Image


Check out my music threads:

Beautiful Music: Folk, Acoustic, Traditional, and World

A Celebration of Song Lyrics, New and Old: Just the poetry  (to include those with different musical tastes than me)

When Sci Fi Actors Sing

#19 M.E.

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Posted 18 September 2010 - 11:21 PM

FEMALE COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'  


She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'



#20 M.E.

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Posted 19 September 2010 - 11:39 PM

Ermm.. Just for the record, this was not me. :D

A TRIP TO Costco


Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

Edited by michael elizabeth, 19 September 2010 - 11:41 PM.





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