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[Humor] The Complete Military History of France

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#1 jon3831

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Posted 12 February 2003 - 02:26 AM

I'm so gonna get smited for posting this, but, Rov made me. :wideeyed:

I found this on alt.books.tom-clancy, and I have no idea who wrote it.

*************
The Complete Military History of France:


* Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.


* Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."


* Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.


* Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots


* Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.


* War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.


* The Dutch War - Tied


* War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.


* War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.


* American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."


* French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.


* The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.


* The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.


* World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.


* World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.


* War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu.


* Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.


* War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.


The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"

"The issue is not war and peace, rather, how best to   preserve our freedom."
                    --General Russell E. Dougherty, USAF

WWCELeMD?

#2 Rov Judicata

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Posted 12 February 2003 - 02:28 AM

ROFL.

I love it Jon.

mm.. hopelessly ineffective French military....

St. Louis must be destroyed!

Me: "I have a job and five credit cards and am looking into signing a two year lease.  THAT MAKES ME OLD."
Josh: "I don't have a job, I have ONE credit card, I'm stuck in a lease and I'm 28! My mom's basement IS ONE BAD DECISION AWAY!"
~~ Josh, winning the argument.

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#3 Godeskian

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Posted 12 February 2003 - 04:57 AM

chuckle, i can find you plenty of Dutch who think they won the war with france,

but c'est la vie you know  :devil:

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#4 CJ AEGIS

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Posted 12 February 2003 - 06:54 PM

Second time seeing this but I'll always take a joke aimed at the French Army.

Quote

jon3831: and I have no idea who wrote it.

That one migrated rather fast!  But I think I might know the point of origin will have to ask.  :devil:

"History has proven too often and too recently that the nation which relaxes its defenses invites attack."
        -Fleet Admiral Nimitz
"Their sailors say they should have flight pay and sub pay both -- they're in the air half the time, under the water the other half""
        - Ernie Pyle: Aboard a DE

#5 CJ AEGIS

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Posted 12 February 2003 - 07:15 PM

Some more. ;)

The French Navy admits rgar their new nuclear powered aircraft carrier, The Charles De Gaulle, has restrictions on landing certain planes because it was built several feet too short. Their options are to extend the flight deck or simply rename it Napoleon.  

Tanks in the French Army have five gears.  Four are in reverse and one forward.  Just in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

Why are there so many tree-lined avenues in France?
So the Germans can parade comfortably in the shade!

"Ad: French Army surplus rifle. Has never been fired and only dropped once.

Why do French APCs have mirrors?
So they can still see the war.

The French Army vs. English Soccer Hooligans
http://www.grudge-ma...ry/soccer.shtml

"History has proven too often and too recently that the nation which relaxes its defenses invites attack."
        -Fleet Admiral Nimitz
"Their sailors say they should have flight pay and sub pay both -- they're in the air half the time, under the water the other half""
        - Ernie Pyle: Aboard a DE

#6 Enmar

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Posted 12 February 2003 - 07:25 PM

jon3831, on Feb. 12 2003,10:26, said:

* Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
Maybe, but Asterix is sooo cool ;)



Interesting enough, France’s most famous building, after Eiffel tower, is Arch De Triumph…

I work as a tour leader and I always tell my groups that it stands for the only triumph in the history of France :devil:

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#7 Nikki Peppermint

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Posted 12 February 2003 - 07:28 PM

Ummmmmmmm.......Monique just wants to know if Jon actually typed that whole post out? ;)

#8 CJ AEGIS

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Posted 12 February 2003 - 09:01 PM

Enmar, on Feb. 13 2003,01:25, said:

I work as a tour leader and I always tell my groups that it stands for the only triumph in the history of France :devil:
Actually the Eiffel tower did save the collective rear of the French and the BEF early in the German invasion during World War I.   ;)

Well they did give us Lady Liberity…

"History has proven too often and too recently that the nation which relaxes its defenses invites attack."
        -Fleet Admiral Nimitz
"Their sailors say they should have flight pay and sub pay both -- they're in the air half the time, under the water the other half""
        - Ernie Pyle: Aboard a DE

#9 Mary Rose

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Posted 12 February 2003 - 10:54 PM

ROTFL!!!!!  Oh, these are priceless.  I couldn't stop laughing.  Even though I am half Italian.  I have a sense of humor.
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#10 JadziaDax

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Posted 12 February 2003 - 11:06 PM

LOL!!
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#11 BunRab

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Posted 13 February 2003 - 03:58 PM

I saw "Forbidden Broadway" one year, and they did a song from Les Mis as a replay of the 1000-year long battle between the French and the English, with this particular battle going to the French, in that Les Mis was a huge hit that wasn't by Andrew Lloyd Weber. It was pretty funny.

Generally, that's how I see France's history: 1000 years of war with England, some hot, some cold. Every time the French "win" some English words sneak into the French language anyway, and every time the English "win" some French words sneak into English. That's the only way you can tell the winners and losers sometimes- the losers fight guerilla warfare through language.


#12 Talkie Toaster

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Posted 13 February 2003 - 07:24 PM

Q: What's the thiniest book in the world?
A: The book of French war heros.

Blessed is the mind too small for doubt.

#13 Rov Judicata

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Posted 13 February 2003 - 07:53 PM

Something that came up in chemistry today:

As you may now, elements shed electrons on a regular basis. Different elements surrender their excess electrons more easily.

Do you know which element surrenders its electron most easily?

Francium.

The universe's way of maintaining order....

St. Louis must be destroyed!

Me: "I have a job and five credit cards and am looking into signing a two year lease.  THAT MAKES ME OLD."
Josh: "I don't have a job, I have ONE credit card, I'm stuck in a lease and I'm 28! My mom's basement IS ONE BAD DECISION AWAY!"
~~ Josh, winning the argument.

"Congress . . . shall include every idiot, lunatic, insane person, and person non compos mentis[.]" ~1 U.S.C. § 1, selectively quoted for accuracy.

#14 CJ AEGIS

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Posted 13 February 2003 - 07:58 PM

Talkie Toaster, on Feb. 14 2003,01:24, said:

Q: What's the thiniest book in the world?
A: The book of French war heros.
Especialy considering one of their greatest jumped sides in WWII to the Vichy.
"History has proven too often and too recently that the nation which relaxes its defenses invites attack."
        -Fleet Admiral Nimitz
"Their sailors say they should have flight pay and sub pay both -- they're in the air half the time, under the water the other half""
        - Ernie Pyle: Aboard a DE

#15 Nikki Peppermint

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Posted 13 February 2003 - 08:09 PM

Javert Rovinski, on Feb. 13 2003,16:53, said:

Something that came up in chemistry today:

As you may now, elements shed electrons on a regular basis. Different elements surrender their excess electrons more easily.

Do you know which element surrenders its electron most easily?

Francium.

The universe's way of maintaining order....
ROFL at Rov's story!!! :laugh:  I love it!!  And I actually get it! ;)


#16 the 'Hawk

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Posted 14 February 2003 - 05:10 PM

Javert Rovinski, on Feb. 13 2003,20:53, said:

Do you know which element surrenders its electron most easily?

Francium.
I do believe that's how it got its name....

:cool:

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#17 StarGazer

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Posted 14 February 2003 - 08:18 PM

:glare:
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#18 CJ AEGIS

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Posted 15 February 2003 - 02:41 AM

France Surrenders to Texas High School

Quote

What began as a six-day chaperoned music tour by a group of suburban Houston teenagers ended in an epic conquest in the pre-dawn hours of Friday morning as French military and government officials offered their unconditional surrender to students of the Aldine, Texas Eisenhower High School Music Department.

"History has proven too often and too recently that the nation which relaxes its defenses invites attack."
        -Fleet Admiral Nimitz
"Their sailors say they should have flight pay and sub pay both -- they're in the air half the time, under the water the other half""
        - Ernie Pyle: Aboard a DE

#19 Shalamar

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Posted 15 February 2003 - 03:32 AM

Shalamar falls out of her chair laughing...I pass that high school regularly!!!

Thanks CJ!!!!

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#20 StarDust

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Posted 15 February 2003 - 12:03 PM

ROTFLMAO!!!!

I remember during the Gulf War when it came out the French where sending a small contingent (really small, like 20 people) and even the anchors on the Network news where in shock  (paraphrasing) "They are actually going to help, even though it doesn't amount to much".

A couple of week ago on Regis & Kelly, Regis commented on how the French are only willing to go to war when there are German soldiers sitting in Paris drinking coffee, and then they want us to be the ones to fight it.

I also heard recently that both France and Germany get most of their oil from Irag, which surprised me because Irag is supposed to be under imbargo!  Which probably explains some of their true reluctance.

Never has there been a group with so much pride and bluster about so little.




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